I never got passed volume one of my Nancy Drew set. For me, mystery has always been scary. I don't like scary. It frightened me to not know who my enemy was. You know how you always imagine the worst?
When I learned my enemy's name, I could figure out, with God's help of course, how to deal with it. I researched depression. " If you know neither the enemy nor yourself, you will succumb in every battle." Sun Tzu The Art of War. I'm going to read that book one day.
I was desperate for change. Of course I prayed, but you know what desperate times call for. I knew I needed to f_ _ _. That's how desperate I was. I really don't like to use the word, but sometimes you have to fast. Ugh! I made fresh juice and that was all that I swallowed for a few days. Spiritual fasting can be a weapon.
I also believed God had given my a strategy with three Ws.
Work out – for my body. (Depression hates exercise.) That's all I'll say about that.
Word – for my mind. Romans 12:2: Do not be conformed to this world,
but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.
Worship – for my spirit. My connection to God.
I know I went to the gym at least two times, maybe three. I exercised. "Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy."—Legally Blonde
I bought a pack of 50 index cards. I filled those cards with scriptures about joy and gladness and any word that was anti-depression. I read those cards daily (or mostly everyday.) Sometimes twice a day. I was too desperate to only read a promise a day.
For at least two minutes at a time, a couple of times a day I would tell myself:
I'm not depressed.
I have the joy of the Lord. (Nehemiah 8:10)
I have the mind of Christ. (1 Corinthians 2:16)
I'm a brilliant thinker. (because I used to be)
I have a great memory. (because I used to have)
I would drive to my church for early morning prayer three days a week. My church was a 45-minute drive. Don't know why I can't go to a neighborhood church. I was desperate for change. I also had my girls praying for me. Everyone should have friends who pray.
Next I had to learn to focus on God and not on Denise. I praised God for His goodness. I listened to music that focused on Him. I listened to and sang happy music. I turned off the TV. I was desperate.
Let me preach a little right now: If you have a problem, get help. Do something about it. If you're drowning, don't try to figure out how to save yourself. I've done that and just stayed underwater way too long. Sometimes other people can see you're drowning and wonder how long you're going to stay down there. Please don't be too proud to ask for help. That hard heart may as well be a cement block around your neck. Don't postpone your life. Realize that God loves you and wants good things for your life. If you've been reading the joy scriptures, you should have recognized that. Stop lying to yourself.
Okay, as someone who has been there, I felt the need to say that. Moving on . . .
People had told me it was depression. These people were spiritually discerning. One prayed for me and said it was "depression in disguise." I didn't get it. Another prayed for me and I told her no, that's not me. One day, after I knew what I was dealing with, I heard someone say depression is a psychological disorder marked by an inability to concentrate. Oh, well why didn't they say that in the first place? I thought depression was being sad and mopey, which I was not. Hmmm, I guess that was the "disguise" part.
So I continued with my three Ws. At that time, there was a big Christian event coming to St. Louis. Area churches were meeting to pray. One Monday evening, my friend and I were there. We were near a lady from my church. She asked me when I was coming back to work with the children. I casually told her that I had some things I was working on. She said, "It doesn't take God 24 hours."
And my friend chimed in, "By this time tomorrow."
Those words are from a scripture in 2 Kings 7. It was during a time when there was a horrible famine because of the enemies surrounding the city. There was no apparent way out. The prophet of God told the king that there would be a complete turnaround "by this time tomorrow." And there was.
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