God! Why did you send me to Alabama? I hate it here! Please get me out of here.
How many times did I say that? It started out okay. I liked my new job. I met friends. I found a church where I felt God wanted me to be. But it wasn't long before I started losing joy. Most of it was related to my job. Then I kept having weird problems with my car. Not that the car problems were weird. Getting a new car was weird. It just wasn't happening. I hated being here with no support. No family. No friends that I knew well enough to depend on like I was used to.
It was strange sitting all day at a desk instead of teaching. Did I mention that I'm fat now? For the first few months, I sat in a make-shift cubicle. There was only enough room to back my chair up so I could stand. I didn't care. It was a new start for me and I felt God had sent me there. Unfortunately I did not continue reading my anti-depression scriptures. I knew that I should have continued doing what I done to get rid of depression to maintain joy, but I thought I was going to be okay. Meanwhile it had gotten to the point where I felt like I had to fight with someone every week about what I was doing on my job.
I work on an educational website for Pete's sake; it's not that deep. But I was new there. I didn't do things the way they had been done. I tried to be creative and initiate new ideas. I was met with resistance. Every week it was something. It finally got to the point where I bought the CD, the book, and even the cassettes (to give to my friend) of T.D. Jakes' The 10 Commandments of Working in a Hostile Environment. The words that slapped me upside my head were, "The only thing that has to change is you." Not what I wanted to hear. True . . . but not what I wanted to hear. I changed some. I just dealt with it with God's help.
After some time, maybe years, some one might pray for me about "heaviness" on me. This happened at least twice. I would think, "Where did that come from?" Situations were weighing me down.
Last year was a real struggle. I would take off work for a couple days because I just couldn't stand to be there. Of course it affected my work. Because I didn't want to argue with people, I would just acquiesce. That's not what I'm paid for though. I am paid to do my best and use my knowledge of education. But I don't like to argue. I like to fuss because I think it's funny and I tease and fuss. But I'm probably not going to try to prove my point or make someone know that I am right. I even try to do things to help make the workplace more enjoyable. But I do not work with excellence because I don't want to argue.
Fast forward to Monday March 14, 2011. I was talking to my friend telling her that I didn't know why it was so difficult to go to work. For the most, the people are nice enough; the pay is okay; the work is not too difficult. I just don't know what the problem is. I hate being there.
Friday March 18, 2011. A friend invited me to hear a woman minister. I called the first friend and told her that I have to run an errand, I'll be late; save me a seat; not in the front row because I don't want the minister to "peep me out;" and sit me by a cute single guy. Afterwards, I found out she had a place for me between to teen boys. *eyeroll*
So when I arrived, I couldn't see my friend. She's short and she was in the front. But I did see a friend in the second to last row, so I sat beside her. The church wasn't that big so there may have been 10-12 rows. Well the lady ministered to different people. She prayed with them and also gave them prophetic words. I had never heard of her until a couple of days before.
She found her way back to me. She said things to me like, "When you walk into that office building, you intercede (pray) . . . God put you there for a reason. . . It's going to be the weight of His glory on you." Wow!
I have a reason to be at that job. This humbles me to know that God can use me there. Those words gave me purpose and courage to go in everyday. I can do this thing. I can go to work and pray for the workplace and the people. And instead of the heaviness, God is going to put the weight of His glory on me. I am going to know God is with me. Yay!
When I first began the joy adventure, I didn't realize how much I needed joy. I'm getting back to normal, now. That was one thing I hated about work—I wasn't myself there. Example: at Christmas time, people were receiving awards. Every time someone's name was called, I cheered for that person. A co-worker commented on that. I told her that this is how I usually am when I'm not here. That wasn't the first time I had made a statement like that. And anyone who knows me outside of work probably knows that I am usually enthusiastically loud. Not that I wanted to be loud at work; I just want to be myself.
I haven't been as desperate for joy as I was that first time around, but I'm working on it. I am looking forward to the harvest. And I know that joy is coming. And I want to move.
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